Strange how, whenever I find myself under a lot of stress, my thoughts tend to turn towards people and relationships, as they are what is supposed to help one THROUGH a stressful or difficult situation. However, my so-called meditations on the subject often veer from my personal experiences to the more general ones I encounter or live “second-handedly” by means of what I read of other people’s experiences.
On my mind today – with regards to human relationships – is (again?!) the issue of casual or non-committed sex. Society allows people to engage in such relationships at various levels of… not commitment, but involvement. On an approximate scale they would range from one-night-stands to fuck-buddies to friends-with-benefits. The later, obviously, is the most complicated one as there is always the issue of defining the benefits and recognizing the limitations of such relationships.
One such limitation is the fact that there are, basically, no RIGHTS involved for anyone. Which might not be necessarily true, as no rights means no obligations either, and that is the very essence of non-commitment. However, just because both people involved KNOW there are no rights for any of them, that doesn’t mean there won’t be any expectations. As humans, we prepare for the future by processing information from the past and present – experiences too – and it’s inevitable that we form expectations with regards to just about anything. The attempt NOT to develop expectations is against our nature and comes as a definite struggle for most of us.
This reminds me of another issue regarding the whole FWB thing. I’ve heard/read people saying that, basically, if there is someone you want to have an FWB relationship with, you might as well go for “the real deal” and take the whole package – love and commitment and all. Their logic is simple: many friends with benefits sleep together, go to movies together, sometimes cook together, have lunch, or coffee, or share a piece of cake somewhere… which are all things that also happen in a regular girlfriend/boyfriend relationship anyway. So why not declare the whole thing an official relationship and invite the love and everything else that comes with it.
I’ll tell you why. Because people who WANT a FWB thing DON’T WANT a relationship. It could be about bad timing or some major incompatibility or emotional unavailability or unfavourable circumstances or just about anything else. The point is, they don’t want it so they’re not having it. And while it might work and does work for some people, the largest obstacle that prevents this from working out for other people is failure to keep in check one’s expectations.
Certainly, in just about any interaction, regardless of whether or not it involves physical intimacy, there are certain “common sense” expectations. Returning a phone call or replying to a text message, for instance. That’s part of being a grown up and being able to face the little things entailed by a relationship of any sort between two grown-ups. Yes, that involves communication, even if it comes in shockingly negative forms like “fuck off, not in the mood for you today”. Hell, one must always appreciate honesty. I, for one, most certainly do, no matter how hard it might be to digest. But that’s a different story…
The real issue are the emotional expectations. We are wired to respond emotionally and, again, based on one’s previous experiences, it might be difficult for a person to go through the motions of a FWB relationship without falling into the trap of FEELING like they are in an actual love relationship. I’m not saying it’s impossible, just difficult. And it’s during hard times that it only gets worse. Sure, when in a loving relationship you WANT to share the good and the bad with your significant other, but when in a more difficult position you feel like you NEED to share it with someone and you EXPECT unconditional support. Which often isn’t granted in a FWB relationship because there is no love there to stand as a foundation for the “unconditionally” of said support…
So a person’s ability to get involved in no strings attached situations has very little to do with their self-respect or self-esteem – as I’ve heard all too many people claim (again, a different story!) – but depends mostly on their capacity of remaining self-reliant and self-sufficient from an emotional point of view. Of keeping in mind that with no strings attached there are no rights either and there certainly shouldn’t be any expectations…
On my mind today – with regards to human relationships – is (again?!) the issue of casual or non-committed sex. Society allows people to engage in such relationships at various levels of… not commitment, but involvement. On an approximate scale they would range from one-night-stands to fuck-buddies to friends-with-benefits. The later, obviously, is the most complicated one as there is always the issue of defining the benefits and recognizing the limitations of such relationships.
One such limitation is the fact that there are, basically, no RIGHTS involved for anyone. Which might not be necessarily true, as no rights means no obligations either, and that is the very essence of non-commitment. However, just because both people involved KNOW there are no rights for any of them, that doesn’t mean there won’t be any expectations. As humans, we prepare for the future by processing information from the past and present – experiences too – and it’s inevitable that we form expectations with regards to just about anything. The attempt NOT to develop expectations is against our nature and comes as a definite struggle for most of us.
This reminds me of another issue regarding the whole FWB thing. I’ve heard/read people saying that, basically, if there is someone you want to have an FWB relationship with, you might as well go for “the real deal” and take the whole package – love and commitment and all. Their logic is simple: many friends with benefits sleep together, go to movies together, sometimes cook together, have lunch, or coffee, or share a piece of cake somewhere… which are all things that also happen in a regular girlfriend/boyfriend relationship anyway. So why not declare the whole thing an official relationship and invite the love and everything else that comes with it.
I’ll tell you why. Because people who WANT a FWB thing DON’T WANT a relationship. It could be about bad timing or some major incompatibility or emotional unavailability or unfavourable circumstances or just about anything else. The point is, they don’t want it so they’re not having it. And while it might work and does work for some people, the largest obstacle that prevents this from working out for other people is failure to keep in check one’s expectations.
Certainly, in just about any interaction, regardless of whether or not it involves physical intimacy, there are certain “common sense” expectations. Returning a phone call or replying to a text message, for instance. That’s part of being a grown up and being able to face the little things entailed by a relationship of any sort between two grown-ups. Yes, that involves communication, even if it comes in shockingly negative forms like “fuck off, not in the mood for you today”. Hell, one must always appreciate honesty. I, for one, most certainly do, no matter how hard it might be to digest. But that’s a different story…
The real issue are the emotional expectations. We are wired to respond emotionally and, again, based on one’s previous experiences, it might be difficult for a person to go through the motions of a FWB relationship without falling into the trap of FEELING like they are in an actual love relationship. I’m not saying it’s impossible, just difficult. And it’s during hard times that it only gets worse. Sure, when in a loving relationship you WANT to share the good and the bad with your significant other, but when in a more difficult position you feel like you NEED to share it with someone and you EXPECT unconditional support. Which often isn’t granted in a FWB relationship because there is no love there to stand as a foundation for the “unconditionally” of said support…
So a person’s ability to get involved in no strings attached situations has very little to do with their self-respect or self-esteem – as I’ve heard all too many people claim (again, a different story!) – but depends mostly on their capacity of remaining self-reliant and self-sufficient from an emotional point of view. Of keeping in mind that with no strings attached there are no rights either and there certainly shouldn’t be any expectations…
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