For quite some time now, one of the thoughts that has been on my mind a lot concerns relationships – mostly romantic ones – and what happens to them and to us when they end. Or die. Depending on how dramatic you want to make it sound.
Where do all relationships go when they die? Is there heaven, hell or purgatory for these relationships? What about the ones existing between people of different religions or none at all? What is the after-life of a relationship? Does it even make sense to speak of after-life and death, when the end of a relationship might mean so many other things than death?
From my point of view ending a relationship shouldn’t be regarded as the death of something but rather a transformation. Of the people involved and of the relationship itself. It can take many forms, and they aren’t all pretty, as end often isn’t. Then again, when the people involved can maintain and apply a certain degree of maturity, the results can be surprising.
In my experience – to which I need to add other people’s experiences to make it somewhat relevant – the end of a romantic relationship may mark the beginning of one or more other relationships. Sometimes it’s singlehood, other times it’s a beautiful friendship, or a friends with benefits sort of things or an open-relationship, or a beautiful memory. Some other times, though, it can be one of strong animosity and resentment, depending on the reasons that caused the break-up and the feelings of the people involved.
A few thoughts about each of the possibilities.
Singlehood, as an issue, is a subject that has long divided the millions of women who’ve been through it. There are those who try to “embrace” it and those who try to “cure” it. I belong to neither. To me, singlehood is that period in your life when the relationship (hopefully a LOVE relationship!) you have with yourself takes precedence over relationships with romantic and/or sexual partners. Men and women alike have a permanent relationship with themselves ever since they become aware of their existence as individuals and until the day they die. Depending on where they are at certain points in their life, they invest certain amounts of time and effort in this relationship. As stated above, the lack of a romantic/sexual partner is the opportunity for a person to get to know themselves better but also to improve who they are – as in move towards who they want to be. As such, the state of being single is neither something to enjoy nor something to suffer through. You just live IT, not THROUGH it.
The FWB relationship works best when two people feel they no longer love each other – or no longer experience the mutual feelings that made them want to be a couple – but they had a good sex-life and, as long as none of them enters a new committed relationship – continue to enjoy said sex life without the pressure of a relationship. Like I said, this probably works best when the romantic feelings are long gone and neither of the two is in danger of getting their heart broken. It’s also not a good fit for everyone. Many women – and sometimes men too – have trouble separating sex from feelings, and if that is the case maintaining a FWB relationship with someone you used to have feelings from is downright confusing and, ultimately, hurtful.
An open relationship is somewhat the opposite of a FWB. Such a relationship is created when two people feel a very strong emotional connection but have grown bored with their sex life and decide to sleep with other people outside of the relationship without any emotional involvement. Again, it doesn’t work for everyone as it takes a lot of confidence and strength on the part of anyone to accept that their significant other is sexually involved with someone else TOO. Not to mention such a relationship is still widely despised, even by people who are otherwise open-minded. I say, if you feel up to it, go ahead and do it. I don’t know if I could do it myself, but I’m not going to pass judgement on anyone who does.
Then there’s the beautiful friendship. The sort of relationship where two people who used to be a couple become sufficiently detached – both emotionally and sexually – to be able to maintain a nice, friendly relationship. It’s not easy to do, as reaching that kind of detachment requires both time and maturity – and a certain kind of personality. Even if all the conditions are met, it still takes a lot of work to succeed. But it’s definitely worth it. He or she who was your significant other for a while probably has lots of qualities that you’d be hard-pressed to find in other people – so why give them up completely? It’s often the relationships between highly intelligent people that go this way because, in all honesty, finding someone who turns you on intellectually on several levels can sometimes be more difficult than finding someone you are sexually and emotionally compatible with.
Last but not least, some relationships end in “widowhood”, whether it’s an actual one – caused by the death of a loved one – or a more metaphorical one, like one of the partners becoming suddenly unavailable (as in leaving the country, becoming (committedly) involved with someone else, and so on). These come with their own brand of difficulties. For one thing, there is often a sense of irreparable loss at the end of the person who is “left behind”. For the other, the situation/relationship is completely out of control as that person feels there is nothing he or she can do to change things. All that might be true, but we still get a choice about how we feel about and view these aspects of an ended relationship. It’s easy to be overwhelmed by regrets, but when you think about it you alone chose to spend time with that person and, more often than not, were happy during that time. So why waste your time crying over something that can’t be undone when you’d be better served cherishing the wonderful memories and maybe, just maybe, trying to learn any lessons there might be there to learn from it?
In the end every relationship that we choose to have, regardless of its type, is part of who we are as people and often turns out to be an enriching experience. Where it goes and what it turns into once it is over is largely a matter of choice, subject to the maturity and detachment of the people involved. But keeping a positive outlook, no matter what happens, certainly contributes to obtaining a positive result.
Where do all relationships go when they die? Is there heaven, hell or purgatory for these relationships? What about the ones existing between people of different religions or none at all? What is the after-life of a relationship? Does it even make sense to speak of after-life and death, when the end of a relationship might mean so many other things than death?
From my point of view ending a relationship shouldn’t be regarded as the death of something but rather a transformation. Of the people involved and of the relationship itself. It can take many forms, and they aren’t all pretty, as end often isn’t. Then again, when the people involved can maintain and apply a certain degree of maturity, the results can be surprising.
In my experience – to which I need to add other people’s experiences to make it somewhat relevant – the end of a romantic relationship may mark the beginning of one or more other relationships. Sometimes it’s singlehood, other times it’s a beautiful friendship, or a friends with benefits sort of things or an open-relationship, or a beautiful memory. Some other times, though, it can be one of strong animosity and resentment, depending on the reasons that caused the break-up and the feelings of the people involved.
A few thoughts about each of the possibilities.
Singlehood, as an issue, is a subject that has long divided the millions of women who’ve been through it. There are those who try to “embrace” it and those who try to “cure” it. I belong to neither. To me, singlehood is that period in your life when the relationship (hopefully a LOVE relationship!) you have with yourself takes precedence over relationships with romantic and/or sexual partners. Men and women alike have a permanent relationship with themselves ever since they become aware of their existence as individuals and until the day they die. Depending on where they are at certain points in their life, they invest certain amounts of time and effort in this relationship. As stated above, the lack of a romantic/sexual partner is the opportunity for a person to get to know themselves better but also to improve who they are – as in move towards who they want to be. As such, the state of being single is neither something to enjoy nor something to suffer through. You just live IT, not THROUGH it.
The FWB relationship works best when two people feel they no longer love each other – or no longer experience the mutual feelings that made them want to be a couple – but they had a good sex-life and, as long as none of them enters a new committed relationship – continue to enjoy said sex life without the pressure of a relationship. Like I said, this probably works best when the romantic feelings are long gone and neither of the two is in danger of getting their heart broken. It’s also not a good fit for everyone. Many women – and sometimes men too – have trouble separating sex from feelings, and if that is the case maintaining a FWB relationship with someone you used to have feelings from is downright confusing and, ultimately, hurtful.
An open relationship is somewhat the opposite of a FWB. Such a relationship is created when two people feel a very strong emotional connection but have grown bored with their sex life and decide to sleep with other people outside of the relationship without any emotional involvement. Again, it doesn’t work for everyone as it takes a lot of confidence and strength on the part of anyone to accept that their significant other is sexually involved with someone else TOO. Not to mention such a relationship is still widely despised, even by people who are otherwise open-minded. I say, if you feel up to it, go ahead and do it. I don’t know if I could do it myself, but I’m not going to pass judgement on anyone who does.
Then there’s the beautiful friendship. The sort of relationship where two people who used to be a couple become sufficiently detached – both emotionally and sexually – to be able to maintain a nice, friendly relationship. It’s not easy to do, as reaching that kind of detachment requires both time and maturity – and a certain kind of personality. Even if all the conditions are met, it still takes a lot of work to succeed. But it’s definitely worth it. He or she who was your significant other for a while probably has lots of qualities that you’d be hard-pressed to find in other people – so why give them up completely? It’s often the relationships between highly intelligent people that go this way because, in all honesty, finding someone who turns you on intellectually on several levels can sometimes be more difficult than finding someone you are sexually and emotionally compatible with.
Last but not least, some relationships end in “widowhood”, whether it’s an actual one – caused by the death of a loved one – or a more metaphorical one, like one of the partners becoming suddenly unavailable (as in leaving the country, becoming (committedly) involved with someone else, and so on). These come with their own brand of difficulties. For one thing, there is often a sense of irreparable loss at the end of the person who is “left behind”. For the other, the situation/relationship is completely out of control as that person feels there is nothing he or she can do to change things. All that might be true, but we still get a choice about how we feel about and view these aspects of an ended relationship. It’s easy to be overwhelmed by regrets, but when you think about it you alone chose to spend time with that person and, more often than not, were happy during that time. So why waste your time crying over something that can’t be undone when you’d be better served cherishing the wonderful memories and maybe, just maybe, trying to learn any lessons there might be there to learn from it?
In the end every relationship that we choose to have, regardless of its type, is part of who we are as people and often turns out to be an enriching experience. Where it goes and what it turns into once it is over is largely a matter of choice, subject to the maturity and detachment of the people involved. But keeping a positive outlook, no matter what happens, certainly contributes to obtaining a positive result.
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