Power Games

One of the debates I more or less follow on Shine and similar sites concerns the age-old question of whether or not women should have sex on a first date. Or, in a broader context, with a man they don’t really know that well. Or, at a psychological level and based on whatever set of rules women are supposed to follow, whether or not they should make a man “wait”, “earn”, “work for the goods”. Personally, I am disgusted by the concept that a woman’s sexuality is something you can sell in exchange for a given amount of attention, time, courtship, etc.... but that’s just me. And that’s not the point of this post anyway.

The other line of thought I still encounter in many advice articles is that women should withhold sex to punish a man for something he failed to do or to coerce him into doing something. Again, this is contrary to everything I’ve ever thought or felt regarding healthy human sexuality, within or without the context of a relationship. Again, not the point.

The point is that, in both cases, women use sex as a means of manipulating men. And they fail both times.

In the first case, men have come forward and said it over and over again. If all they care about is sex, they will pursue sex regardless of how long they need to wait for it. So yes, maybe he gets lucky and gets what he wants after only a few hours together or maybe he’s forced to invest (I can’t think of a better word for it, really) time, money, effort, creativity in order to get that woman to sleep with him... and still he won’t pursue a relationship if he’s not interested in a relationship. It’s as simple as that and, as a person who likes clear, straightforward situations, I believe it’s also healthy to think that way, at least to a certain extent. Nothing wrong with knowing what you want and pursuing what you want.

Conversely, men who are interested in a woman for more than just sex will continue to be interested even if she sleeps with them at the first date or whatever. Because if you like someone that much you won’t stop liking her just because she’s open and honest about her sexuality. As far as I’m concerned that makes perfect sense and I’d expect it to work both ways.

In the second case, women who withhold sex as a form of punishment and/or method of coercion are – dare I say it – plain stupid. The assumption here is that he and she are part of a more or less functional relationship, but when a problem arises the only solution that the woman can think of is to manipulate the man into solving the problem... which, to my mind, is just twisted and sick. For one thing, instead of working out a problem you create an additional one. For the other, if you push this to extremes and use it on a regular basis, chances are high the man will stop wanting sex altogether. At least sex with you.

In both cases the underlying assumption is that women GRANT sex. That intercourse between two consenting adults is not a balanced exchange of sensual experiences and pleasure, but some sort of fight, almost a conflict, where the man has everything to win and the woman loses the moment she “gives in”. Really now?!... Is that sick or is that sick?! It’s as if there was absolutely no pleasure or benefits for the women, having sex is this huge sacrifice and the only reason women are doing it in the first place is because, as “the weaker sex”, this is the only way they can manipulate men, the “stronger sex”. I call that bullshit and I’m sure I’m not alone.

I honestly believe it’s not so much about manipulation or sacrifices or the thrill of pursuit, or any of the various sensible explanations that society, as a whole, comes up with to justify/explain such behaviour. It’s all about power. Sex, when you view it in this context, is a power game. One party wants it, the other one grants it. The one who gets to GRANT sex has the upper hand, hence is in a stronger position.

What puzzles me, though, is that there is so much talk about how women play this power game and almost no one speaks of what happens when men play it. It is so widely believed that men want sex all the time, anywhere, anyhow, with anyone, that most people could not even imagine a man withholding sex to gain power over his partner. Still, it happens more often than you’d think. And it’s not because they don’t want sex but because the appeal of power – the feeling of being THAT MUCH in control and being able to manipulate a woman – is sometimes stronger than desire and lust. Just because men are usually in a position of power in other aspects of their lives it doesn’t mean they would pass on the chance to gain power in their sex lives too. Sometimes it even works as a compensation. Men who are not particularly successful in other areas of their lives or have low self-esteem issues will resort to withholding sex because that kind of power game offsets the frustration they experience in those other areas of their lives. After all, they need SOME validation that it’s still them who’s in charge, still them who’s the boss...

I like to think (hope?) I’ll never be a “victim” to such games, neither as granter of sex or as recipient. It makes me sick to even think of sex partners in these terms, of granter and recipient. I am so full of passion and life and love I don’t ever want to trade them in for anything. But (maybe) that’s just me?....