About jealousy, the really rough way

I remember I had a post before that started with “I HATE....” and I’m hoping this is not turning into a habit, but, again, I react very strongly to things that really bother me, and the thing that really bothers me at the moment is jealousy.

I tend to avoid spending/wasting time on Romanian discussion boards for women because I simply feel I don’t belong there in terms of mind frame and general thoughts on women, men, relationships, sex and whatever other subjects they might be discussing there. So, naturally, I turn to women’s sites like Shine, Your Tango, Em and Lo... but mostly Shine. Of late, said site is becoming littered with articles on jealousy related subjects: how to catch your SO cheating, how to recognize a cheater, letter of the wife to the mistress and, the most recent one, would it bother you if your man had a female best friend... The articles in themselves are more or less neutral, but it’s the comments that piss me off. Royally. Because 90% of them are centred on jealousy and possessiveness taken to extremes!

Most of these comments have quite a few ideas in common that I just can’t stomach. For one, the aggression against “the other woman”, seen as responsible for breaking up a happy couple. The other one is the concept of having your man “stolen away” AS IF he was one of your damn possessions. Third comes the idea that women work hard to get a boyfriend and, once they do achieve this fantastic success, they are entitled to enjoy him without any outside interferences or interventions. Last but not least, and also tied to feelings of insecurity and possessiveness, the concept that a woman must be everything to his man and a man must be everything to his woman...

Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t condone or support cheating in any way. But I accept it’s often a fact of life AND the main reason cheating turns out to be such a destructive force in a relationship is not the act in itself but the shattered confidence and the insecurities either resulting from or revealed after the cheater is “caught”. That being said, allow me to bring a few arguments against each of the above listed ideas that strongly conflict with my own.

Aggression against the other woman. You’d be surprised how many ladies resort to behaviour and language that is anything but lady-like, with regards to that woman, simply because it’s a lot easier to cast all the blame and hate on someone you don’t know or care about than to accept that your man might not be as perfect as you thought him to be, or, even worse, your relationship was not that perfect either. I’ll say this, though. There are thousands of reasons why men cheat – some of which might have nothing to do with you or your relationship. Sometimes it’s not even about the other woman either. It’s just boredom, the feeling of power, need for more excitement, an (un)favourable set of circumstances, the thrill of the chase, the need to prove his masculinity, the man’s own insecurities about whether or not he’s attractive any more – hell, some men cheat sometimes simply because they are offered the possibility and they just do it without making a big deal of it.

Speaking of big deals, allow me to move on to the “stealing” thing. Let me say this once and for all, ladies and gents. No person is ever your possession. Not your spouse, not your biological child, not your adoptive child, not your boyfriend or friend-with-benefit or any other relation. People can’t be owned – nor should they be. Sure, being in a certain type of relationship entails you to have a certain set of expectations – such as having made wedding vows, having promised exclusivity or having decided to have children together. But grown ups are able to express and discuss and agree on such expectations without making a big drama out of the tiniest detail. Be polite, speak your mind and try to be respectful of the other person’s feelings but never fall into the trap of believing that person belongs to you. It’s that simple, folks.

Third. Believing that “landing” a boyfriend, and ultimately a husband is some great achievement that entitles you to God knows what privileges. It might feel like that for many women, but as far as I’m concerned entering a relationship is merely the result of two people falling in love – it happens naturally, it’s not a struggle, and it may or may not end just as naturally when one or both people fall out of love. I agree that it takes work to maintain and build up a healthy relationship, but that’s a different story. What these ladies were claiming was that “getting” a boyfriend was somehow the result of a long series of efforts on their part, which, if you think about it, is rather demeaning to us. Sure, you put a lot of work into looking good, staying fit, developing a nice personality and building yourself a happy, complete life – but you do that for your own sake. Why would any woman want to direct that sort of effort towards a man who may or may not love her forever? Could it be they feel like they’re not worth all that effort for their own selves?...

Last. Being everything to your man. ????? I can’t even begin to wrap my head around that idea. In my mind, it conflicts with my need for freedom and independence, because being everything to your man leaves little resources for being something to yourself. Something good, great even, like you deserve. You work so hard to be a complete person, why not share that with someone good, a nice man, instead of offering it ALL to him? Sharing means you both get to enjoy it. Offering means all you’re enjoying is the pleasure of giving. And yes, I admit, when you’re prepared to let go of being everything to your man that involves allowing room for other people to be something to him – some of them females. Again, it comes down to how secure you feel, not necessarily of your man or your relationship with him, but of yourself and your capacity of being JUST FINE, THANK YOU if it turns out said man was not the love or relationship to last you a lifetime.

I almost feel the need to apologise for this post. I realise some might not read it to the end because of its length. That’s ok. It was mostly meant to express how I feel about something I consider a very, very outdated concept: jealousy, possessiveness and, dare I say it, FEAR.