Back in high-school, I used to have a very good friend who was really smart and knew a lot of things on just about anything. But since at that age men and boys were our main concern, most of my friend's wisdom (most of what she shared with me, anyway), revolved around this subject. And I have to say none of us was a beauty back then, so men or boys didn't actually swarm around us. It's obvious that was a great source of frustration for us, as we'd often have crushes for guys who barely noticed we were around. As proud and ignorant as I was at that time, I would always try to get over my crushes simply by telling myself there's nothing to be crushed about in a certain guy... and of course it never worked. Cause what I was trying to do is convince myself that I had absolutely no chance with that guy, we wouldn't be good together, he wasn't all that cute anyway... and things like that. In short, I was trying to use reason to control my emotions. And since my friend had more brains than me, she would laugh at me and called such attempts "fuck me tender", which was a great phrase for expressing the frustration of wanting something that I couldn't get and trying not to want it anymore... :)
Anyway, as the years went by, it turned out both me and my friend were simply late-bloomers, and we can now fully enjoy the advantages of our beauty and prettiness. I don't know how well she is doing (but I reckon she's ok), but what I am sure of is that I am finally getting the attention I wanted from men. It would follow naturally from this that there's no longer any need for me to fight the frustration and anger of not being able to get the men I'm interested in, but unfortunately that's not the case. Or, luckily, that's not the case....
The man I want right now is inaccessible to me for a number of reasons. One very strong reason is the fact that I have a steady boyfriend I don't want to lose by any means. Another one is that the man I want is not "appropriate" for me from the point of view of age, status, etc. Last, but not least, I'm not even sure of what I really want from this man. The most sincere answer would be that I want to get involved in a romantic relationship with him. BUT. I am 100% sure that I also want to stay involved in my current relationship, so I need to rethink my priorities and decide which one of these I want more. I definitely want to be involved with both men, but since that is not socially and ethically possible, one of them needs to give in to the other. And this is where the "fuck me tender" process comes into action. Given that the second man is a second rank priority right now, I need to convince myself that all I want from him is an affair. And, contrary to what happened in high school, this time I might be a lot closer to the truth...
So, now that I've established all I want from this man is an affair, I have to draw up a strategy to get him. Obviously, that's not something I would do in writing, still... a few things are worth mentioning... so that I get them fixed into my head and never allow myself to forget them.
1. IF I can't get this man to have an affair with me, I will not allow myself to feel frustrated, I will not sense it as a loss to my self-esteem, I will not show any sign of distress.
2. IF i can get this man involved with me, I will make everything possible to maintain full secrecy over the whole story so that my boyfriend doesn't find out about it.
3. Regardless of any future developments (or lack of developments), I will always bear in mind that an AFFAIR can only end in one way: with the other person leaving. Therefore, I will do my best not to expect anything at all from the other person in terms of faithfulness, attention, care, commitment, etc.
And, should I ever have doubts about how to handle any of the situations resulting from this weird, twisted case of crush... I'll just go back to these three basic rules and try to comply with them.
Although... the truth be told... fuck me tender or not... just re-reading what I've written in this post makes me 99.9% sure I will never do it... never have any affair, that is. After all, beyond my curiosity, feeling of attraction, pleasure of flirt and everything else that would motivate an affair, I still feel like I am putting at stake the thing that is most precious to me: my love. And just because he's put it at stake all too many times and I've forgiven him(tried to, at least), it doesn't mean I should do the same... cause he would never forgive.
Anyway, as the years went by, it turned out both me and my friend were simply late-bloomers, and we can now fully enjoy the advantages of our beauty and prettiness. I don't know how well she is doing (but I reckon she's ok), but what I am sure of is that I am finally getting the attention I wanted from men. It would follow naturally from this that there's no longer any need for me to fight the frustration and anger of not being able to get the men I'm interested in, but unfortunately that's not the case. Or, luckily, that's not the case....
The man I want right now is inaccessible to me for a number of reasons. One very strong reason is the fact that I have a steady boyfriend I don't want to lose by any means. Another one is that the man I want is not "appropriate" for me from the point of view of age, status, etc. Last, but not least, I'm not even sure of what I really want from this man. The most sincere answer would be that I want to get involved in a romantic relationship with him. BUT. I am 100% sure that I also want to stay involved in my current relationship, so I need to rethink my priorities and decide which one of these I want more. I definitely want to be involved with both men, but since that is not socially and ethically possible, one of them needs to give in to the other. And this is where the "fuck me tender" process comes into action. Given that the second man is a second rank priority right now, I need to convince myself that all I want from him is an affair. And, contrary to what happened in high school, this time I might be a lot closer to the truth...
So, now that I've established all I want from this man is an affair, I have to draw up a strategy to get him. Obviously, that's not something I would do in writing, still... a few things are worth mentioning... so that I get them fixed into my head and never allow myself to forget them.
1. IF I can't get this man to have an affair with me, I will not allow myself to feel frustrated, I will not sense it as a loss to my self-esteem, I will not show any sign of distress.
2. IF i can get this man involved with me, I will make everything possible to maintain full secrecy over the whole story so that my boyfriend doesn't find out about it.
3. Regardless of any future developments (or lack of developments), I will always bear in mind that an AFFAIR can only end in one way: with the other person leaving. Therefore, I will do my best not to expect anything at all from the other person in terms of faithfulness, attention, care, commitment, etc.
And, should I ever have doubts about how to handle any of the situations resulting from this weird, twisted case of crush... I'll just go back to these three basic rules and try to comply with them.
Although... the truth be told... fuck me tender or not... just re-reading what I've written in this post makes me 99.9% sure I will never do it... never have any affair, that is. After all, beyond my curiosity, feeling of attraction, pleasure of flirt and everything else that would motivate an affair, I still feel like I am putting at stake the thing that is most precious to me: my love. And just because he's put it at stake all too many times and I've forgiven him(tried to, at least), it doesn't mean I should do the same... cause he would never forgive.
1 comments:
Inteleg ca prietenul nu citeste acest blog ? :)
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