During my first years of teenage I used to have crushes on just about any man who would treat me nice and be kind to me. I guess I was so hungry for any form of affection that only a few words could make all the difference in the world for me. Obviously, 100% of these crushes were completely ignored (and unanswered) by the guys who were their focus. But things changed dramatically once I started dating, having regular boyfriends and everything. So it seemed pretty natural to me to look back to these years of endless, countless crushes as a thing of the past... something that would never happen to me in my life as a grown-up (pretty much like acne and wearing dull clothes) :D
Well, I am now almost 24, consider myself to be an adult, have a good job, a steady relationship (4 years is not something that anyone can do), good professional perspectives, a let's call it satisfactory financial situation... I'd say I have it all. Except this ALL includes acne, dull clothes, crushes and everything else that used to come with that....
And realizing that has made me ask myself a few questions. Are crushes really that limited to teenage years and confusing emotions and mixed feelings?... The more I think about it, the more it becomes clear that they are actually complex emotional processes that require a certain maturity and even stability.
Does that sound weird? Not if I explain it. Not if you can make a difference between teenage crushes and grown-up crushes...
I used to joke with my best friend saying that I can be perfectly happy with my boyfriend as long as I was having a crush for someone else. It was a joke, of course, but it caught my attention on one point. What was missing from my relationship, what was the thing I was looking for in all these men I had crushes on? I thought about it over and over again, found a few answers (maturity, tenderness, understanding, appreciation, etc.), but none of them was as satisfactory as the truth that finally dawned on me: I was having crushes for these men because it made me feel EMOTIONALLY SAFE. Meaning that I could let myself feel attracted to them, enjoy their presence, even feel happy when they were talking to me... without any pain involved. Because my only source of pain was my relationship, the man I had invested all my deep feelings in. And the pattern of having such safe crushes - that were just as ignored and unanswered as in my teenage years - would have worked forever, as long as there was no reaction from the man I had the crush on. Any reaction would have lead to a clash - which would have eventually become a crash. I now think I should have known better, I should have seen it coming, but the thing is I never suspected anything. I was happy and safe in my little game that no one knew about, and had no intention to stop it.
That was until I crashed. And since I was going at high speed (after all, I thought I was in complete safety and wasn't even wearing a belt), the crash was worse than anything I could have imagined. It turned me inside-out and upside-down in a way that is both scary and delightful. It's scary because the one thing I am worried about right now is not of recovering and focusing on my relationship, but fulfilling my burning desire to be with that man. It is still nothing more than a crush, but one that might actually hurt this time. And what is yet worse, it might damage my relationship with a man I actually... well, think that.... am not very sure but still.... a man I think I still love deeply.
And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, the thought came to me that there were complications with the other man too. Things I don't even want to think of, let alone mention, because they would only confuse me even more. So what do I have now? I've met a man I felt attracted too, made a crush on him, felt that at one point he was answering back and then....
And then nothing. Whatever happened, it was all very real, but it now seems impossible to happen again. The good part of it all is that I've learned an important lesson: having a crush is not something childish and immature. Having a crush when you are 23 can be heart-wrenching and destructive... so it's best to let it go before it's too late. If you find that possible....
Well, I am now almost 24, consider myself to be an adult, have a good job, a steady relationship (4 years is not something that anyone can do), good professional perspectives, a let's call it satisfactory financial situation... I'd say I have it all. Except this ALL includes acne, dull clothes, crushes and everything else that used to come with that....
And realizing that has made me ask myself a few questions. Are crushes really that limited to teenage years and confusing emotions and mixed feelings?... The more I think about it, the more it becomes clear that they are actually complex emotional processes that require a certain maturity and even stability.
Does that sound weird? Not if I explain it. Not if you can make a difference between teenage crushes and grown-up crushes...
I used to joke with my best friend saying that I can be perfectly happy with my boyfriend as long as I was having a crush for someone else. It was a joke, of course, but it caught my attention on one point. What was missing from my relationship, what was the thing I was looking for in all these men I had crushes on? I thought about it over and over again, found a few answers (maturity, tenderness, understanding, appreciation, etc.), but none of them was as satisfactory as the truth that finally dawned on me: I was having crushes for these men because it made me feel EMOTIONALLY SAFE. Meaning that I could let myself feel attracted to them, enjoy their presence, even feel happy when they were talking to me... without any pain involved. Because my only source of pain was my relationship, the man I had invested all my deep feelings in. And the pattern of having such safe crushes - that were just as ignored and unanswered as in my teenage years - would have worked forever, as long as there was no reaction from the man I had the crush on. Any reaction would have lead to a clash - which would have eventually become a crash. I now think I should have known better, I should have seen it coming, but the thing is I never suspected anything. I was happy and safe in my little game that no one knew about, and had no intention to stop it.
That was until I crashed. And since I was going at high speed (after all, I thought I was in complete safety and wasn't even wearing a belt), the crash was worse than anything I could have imagined. It turned me inside-out and upside-down in a way that is both scary and delightful. It's scary because the one thing I am worried about right now is not of recovering and focusing on my relationship, but fulfilling my burning desire to be with that man. It is still nothing more than a crush, but one that might actually hurt this time. And what is yet worse, it might damage my relationship with a man I actually... well, think that.... am not very sure but still.... a man I think I still love deeply.
And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, the thought came to me that there were complications with the other man too. Things I don't even want to think of, let alone mention, because they would only confuse me even more. So what do I have now? I've met a man I felt attracted too, made a crush on him, felt that at one point he was answering back and then....
And then nothing. Whatever happened, it was all very real, but it now seems impossible to happen again. The good part of it all is that I've learned an important lesson: having a crush is not something childish and immature. Having a crush when you are 23 can be heart-wrenching and destructive... so it's best to let it go before it's too late. If you find that possible....
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