If there is one thing most advice columns have in common when it comes to matters of the heart is that they all advertise being confident and self-sufficient and emotionally strong as the key to perfect relationships. Conversely, lacking confidence, being needy and clingy is, allegedly, the fastest way to scare a partner away. What it all comes down to is to suggest a strong individual, who is happy on his or her own, is the ideal partner for any emotionally-healthy person looking to be in a relationship.
The problem with that sort of reasoning is that… well, it’s wrong. For one thing, it works on the assumption that only emotionally-healthy people are looking to be in a relationship – or only such people are entitled to. Everyone and anyone who doesn’t fit that picture is discarded as “weak”, “unstable”, “immature”, “imbalanced”, “freak”, etc. Ironically enough, it’s exactly this kind of people – who also happen to form the majority of the human population – that need to be in a relationship to get a fair chance at happiness. And while I’ll agree that, ideally, it’s better to be in a relationship because you want it, not because you need it, I’m all for encouraging human emotional co-dependency to spare one of worse physical or psychological addictions.
As it follows, it is fundamentally wrong and unjust to advice people of all ages (but mostly women, as they are most often the target of such advice columns) not to “settle” for anything but the best and not to accept in their lives a partner who is less than perfect emotion-wise. Just as it is fundamentally wrong and unjust to discard the above mentioned “unwanted” partners from the dating scene just because they don’t meet the criteria of Mr. (or Miss) Emotionally Perfect.
The thing is, if you look beyond the cold rationale of such exclusions, you realize that, in reality, people often partner up to offset the imbalances in their emotional lives and, to do so, they need another person, almost an alter ego, who also suffers from some sort of imbalance. That’s why they call it “my other half” or “my significant other” after all. And, quite naturally, they fail to find such a “healing” or “balancing” capacity in an individual who is himself or herself closer to being balanced on their own.
As it stems from this, a more self-balanced individual will need another more self-balanced partner to build up a healthy relationship. One that is based on want and desire rather than need. But there’s danger in such an arrangement. Humans are driven by need. It is one of the strongest motivators. A person who doesn’t feel the NEED to be in a relationship might become lazy or unmotivated in pursuing one. He or she may end up lonely and alone, and from loneliness stems fear and fear eats away at your strength and as your strength is eroded so is your balance…
The problem with that sort of reasoning is that… well, it’s wrong. For one thing, it works on the assumption that only emotionally-healthy people are looking to be in a relationship – or only such people are entitled to. Everyone and anyone who doesn’t fit that picture is discarded as “weak”, “unstable”, “immature”, “imbalanced”, “freak”, etc. Ironically enough, it’s exactly this kind of people – who also happen to form the majority of the human population – that need to be in a relationship to get a fair chance at happiness. And while I’ll agree that, ideally, it’s better to be in a relationship because you want it, not because you need it, I’m all for encouraging human emotional co-dependency to spare one of worse physical or psychological addictions.
As it follows, it is fundamentally wrong and unjust to advice people of all ages (but mostly women, as they are most often the target of such advice columns) not to “settle” for anything but the best and not to accept in their lives a partner who is less than perfect emotion-wise. Just as it is fundamentally wrong and unjust to discard the above mentioned “unwanted” partners from the dating scene just because they don’t meet the criteria of Mr. (or Miss) Emotionally Perfect.
The thing is, if you look beyond the cold rationale of such exclusions, you realize that, in reality, people often partner up to offset the imbalances in their emotional lives and, to do so, they need another person, almost an alter ego, who also suffers from some sort of imbalance. That’s why they call it “my other half” or “my significant other” after all. And, quite naturally, they fail to find such a “healing” or “balancing” capacity in an individual who is himself or herself closer to being balanced on their own.
As it stems from this, a more self-balanced individual will need another more self-balanced partner to build up a healthy relationship. One that is based on want and desire rather than need. But there’s danger in such an arrangement. Humans are driven by need. It is one of the strongest motivators. A person who doesn’t feel the NEED to be in a relationship might become lazy or unmotivated in pursuing one. He or she may end up lonely and alone, and from loneliness stems fear and fear eats away at your strength and as your strength is eroded so is your balance…
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