Don't Get Mad...

I’ve recently read a book that, I thought, was going to provide me with some insight on how men think. Instead, it offered a much more profound and thought-provoking exploration of the male subconscious – a set of keys to the psychoanalysis, rather than mere psychology of the modern man. (Alon Gratch - If Men Could Talk). Among the numerous excellent points that the author made, there was one saying that men are literally afraid of female aggression because it takes a less upfront and more subtle shape than male aggression. Specifically, there are men who fear women’s revenge…
There are quite a few phrases and linguistic clichés that seem to prove that they should, indeed, be fearful. Advice such as Don’t get mad, get even, Wreck vengeance upon him, or Give him a taste of his own medicine, complemented by pieces of wisdom such as Forgetting a wrong is a mild revenge or Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, manage to prove, beyond doubt, that a woman’s revenge is, by all means, aggressive and destructive, not to mention subtle enough to make it difficult to avoid. However, while I can fully understand the psychological mechanism that would make a woman want to seek revenge upon a man who’s hurt her, I don’t believe pursuing such a desire is in any way a healthy (or helpful) endeavour.
Reason I’ve been musing over these things lately is that, as part of the New Year’s resolutions, I am actively working on reducing my own aggression. And it was during this process that I began to realize aggression is not entirely a bad thing, nor should I try to make it disappear altogether, but rather try to use its energy to better purposes. Which means, no revenge for me in store any time soon. At least I hope.
Desire for revenge is often prompted by something going wrong between two people, regardless of their relationship. More often than not, when the two people have had some romantic/sexual interest between them, it’s very difficult for either of the parties not to take things personally when something like that happens. I don’t know if it’s the same for men, but women do suffer a serious blow to their self-esteem. And, in the heat of the moment, it might seem that revenge is the thing that will fix that, or at least deal some damage to the man’s self-esteem too.
Now here’s where I take my stance against it. Revenge is always a blow against your own self. If the man you seek to wreck vengeance upon was so important to you, it probably means you still care about him a lot, so hurting him will, inevitably, be painful to you too. If he wasn’t all that important (you’d be surprised how many women seek revenge upon men who have simply refused to play their flirting games or other similarly trivial “wrongs”!), you certainly don’t want to invest any energy and feeling in hurting him either. Keep in mind that vengeance is powered by hatred (or what we think of as hatred in that moment), and that is a very powerful and destructive feeling – not to mention one that will deplete you of emotional resources for quite a while after whatever little satisfaction there was in your vengeance has faded.
Then there are women, of course, who direct their vengeance not at someone specifically but at anyone who happens to meet a very few standard requirements. Such as being a man, for example. These are the women who, after one or several failed relationships, embrace a bitter view of men, dismissing them all as liars, bastards, pigs, horny dogs and whatnot. And treat all men accordingly. Hurting them just because, at some point of their lives, they had been hurt themselves by a man. I don’t agree with this attitude either as it dooms a woman to never-ending loneliness. Yes, people do hurt other people, men and women alike, and yes, some men do share some behavioural patterns in hurting their partners. Which might make it seem like it’s ok to hurt someone simply because he pertains to a certain type of individuals. Again, I say it’s not. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize hurting ANYONE on purpose is just plain wrong. Regardless of the motivation we might use to justify our actions.
I have often found myself in situations where I wanted to do it myself. It happens still, and it’s nowhere near as rare as I would like it to be. I’m not a very patient person, nor do I think a lot before speaking, and I sometimes have a sharp tongue. On more than one occasion I have thrown bitter or downright offensive words at people who had wronged me. It would be a lie to say I regret it. Or to claim I will never do it again. But as a human, I make my mistakes and try to learn something from them. Today’s lesson is that vengeance, whether as small as offending some with words thrown at random or as big as putting someone through a traumatic experience, is like a sword without a handle. If you really want to use it against someone, you’re bound to cut your own hands in the process. Better think twice before doing it.